I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
