Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
