Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
How's work?
Spinning.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
