Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
