Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
