a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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