I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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