i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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