you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize