is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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