Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
