i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize