he wants to bone in the snuggie
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
