If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
