We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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