That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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