I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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