today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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