I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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