I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
