Porn is love you can see.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize