On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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