I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
