god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I should be sponsored by Trojan
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
