You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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