Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
