I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
50% drunk capacity currently
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Randomize
