When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
