I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
