I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
