The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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