I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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