I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
