Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
