I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
