Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
