He managed to light the Jello on fire...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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