Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
