My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
