i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
