I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
