And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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