Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
