apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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