come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
