Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
