walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
