You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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