After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
