i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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