1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
