quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
