and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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