To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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