When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize