Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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