My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize