did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
